What Would Rob Do? - The Kobayashi Maru

It’s been a while since I’ve done a ‘What Would Rob Do?’ entry. Previous entries have included What Would Rob Do? aboard the starship Nostromo in Ridley Scott’s Alien and What Would Rob Do? at Outpost 31 in John Carpenter’s The Thing. If you want to check these out you can find my solutions below:

What Would Rob Do? Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’
What Would Rob Do? John Carpenter’s 'The Thing'.

This time I thought I would match my wits to the infamous no-win scenario The Kobayashi Maru, depicted in Nicholas Meyer’s Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Beware: Spoilers.

The Kobayashi Maru scenario was an infamous no-win scenario that was part of the curriculum for command-track cadets at Starfleet Academy in the 23rd century. It was primarily used to assess a cadet's discipline, character and command capabilities when facing a seemingly impossible situation.re is no one answer to the problem.

In 2285, on the simulated bridge, the cadet was placed in command of the USS Enterprise on patrol near the Klingon Neutral Zone. A Neutral Zone is either the equivalent of a modern day Demilitarized Zone (e.g. between North and South Korea) or similar to existing Neutral Zones in the Middle East (the Saudi-Iraqi Neutral Zone and the Saudi-Kuwaiti Neutral Zone, both established in the 1920s and disbanded by the 1990s). Either example results in the same: bordering nations / civilisations and their militaries are forbidden from entering or maintaining a presence in the identified area (like establishing a base or vessel patrols).

In the simulation the Enterprise would receive a distress signal from the Kobayashi Maru, a civilian freighter (a neutronic fuel carrier) that had been disabled in the zone after having struck a gravitic mine. If the cadet chose to enter the neutral zone in violation of treaties, the starship would be confronted by Klingon battle cruisers. The test was considered a no-win scenario because it was impossible for the cadet to simultaneously save the Kobayashi Maru, fight the Klingons and escape from the neutral zone with the starship intact. A cadet's choice of how to handle the rescue operation gave insight into his or her command decision-making. Check out a cadet’s failure to beat the no-win scenario below in a clip from Nicholas Meyer’s ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’.



As you can imagine, this is a difficult one. The simulation is programmed to result in defeat regardless of the strategies employed, so beating the simulation is not really possible without cheating. If the situation was actual rather than simulated - and employed strategies had at least a chance of success – then I’d be tempted to employ a less direct approach than the one depicted in the clip. What would Rob Do?

For a start, I’d take my lead from the Klingon Battle Cruiser commanders rather than the Star Fleet officers. For the Klingons to attack so swiftly and detect the Enterprise’s approach (without the Enterprise detecting them) the Klingons were probably already within the Neutral Zone, closing in on the Kobayashi Maru. It was clever of the Klingons to have breached the zone without detection, to have negotiated the area while avoiding gravitic mines themselves and pillage a helpless freighter without even having to discharge their weapons. All they have to do is wait until the life support systems on the Kobayashi Maru fail and then salvage the vessel and/or its cargo.

I think that the key to this is to remain fair to the scenario (i.e. rely only on notions that would have occurred to those involved in the situation and setting). The scenario‘s no-win nature largely comes from the ridiculous inflexibility of Star Fleet regulations and directives, rather than actual futility. More able commanders would be able to subvert these regulations without directly breaking them. Horatio Nelson’s strategies – while not contravening the traditions of the British Royal Navy – were considered new and unusual at the time. Their employment by his contemporaries in both British and foreign navies was largely a result of Nelson’s very public success. In the clip above, the cadet’s actions are textbook and predictable: as is the contrary advice given by other Star Fleet officers on the bridge. I can almost imagine the Klingon flotilla commander sat in his / her chair with a Star Fleet manual open on their lap. Star Fleet might as well have unquestioning robots crew their vessels. This is what I would do.

1. Upon receiving the transmission, establish a course to breach the Neutral Zone and intercept the Kobayashi Maru.

2. Go to Battle Stations. This would include raising shields as a precaution and already having torpedoes and phasers primed. I would also scramble armed parties to the transporters in readiness for a boarding action. If not a real disaster, The Kobayashi Maru could prove to be an excellent trap set by pirates or wreckers to isolate larger vessels in the Neutral Zone. As part of such an early decision to go to Battle Stations, I would order long range scans before I even entered the Neutral Zone. I would be actively looking for enemy vessels and would likely detect them long before the Enterprise does in the simulation. I must assume that there is a good chance that I am going to be attacked: the Neutral Zone borders the Klingon Empire – an aggressive species (e.g. ‘they don’t take prisoners’); the gravitic mines are a clear sign to keep out; my vessel is taking what might, not unreasonably, be interpreted as a hostile and invasive action.

3. Take out some insurance. I would send fake and repeated communications to Star Fleet battle cruisers nearby, instructing them to close and support the Enterprise’s rescue of the Kobayashi Maru in the Neutral Zone. I would assume that the Klingon navy would have fairly detailed knowledge of Star Fleet vessels, so I would use powerful vessels as examples. This would likely make any Klingon vessels in the area think twice before interfering with the rescue mission (they would be outgunned) and it would likely dissuade any of the potential pirates / wreckers identified above, if the Kobayashi Maru actually turned out to be a trap. I could, of course, explain such a strategy away to my crew and superiors by citing Star Fleet regulations that even feature later in the film: "If transmissions are being monitored during battle, no uncoded messages are to be transmitted on an open channel." I could claim it was a coded message and that entering the Neutral Zone was likely to result in battle. This strategy alone could mean a successful evacuation of the Kobayashi Maru’s crew. Three out of three!

4. Let’s assume the Klingons aren’t fooled. My long range scans would detect the three Klingon cruisers on their approach. They are arming their weapons, so I assume they are going to destroy the Enterprise for breaching the Neutral Zone and breaking the Treaty. Why should I - a Star Fleet officer, in command of a battle cruiser – be any less outraged at the Klingons’ similar transgression. You can be sure that I am going to fire on the approaching flotilla first. Let’s assume that I am at least as battle ready as the Klingons. I destroy / incapacitate one Klingon cruiser, while sustaining some damage from the other two. My raised and ready shields save me from outright destruction / incapacitation.

5. The crew of the Kobayashi Maru were always going to die. They were the victims of a horrific, deep space accident (from wandering into the Neutral Zone, to hitting a mine, to being discovered by not one but three merciless Klingon vessels). A rescue is to be attempted by any reasonable Star Fleet officer but success is not to be expected. This is similar to the way a doctor will still try their best to save a critical patient, even when they objectively know that there is little chance of survival. After so long – even the doctor gives up and calls time on the patient. With the Klingon cruisers engaging the Enterprise and the vessel outgunned, I would stage a mock withdrawal. This is what the Klingon commander would hope for and expect. Both vessels would pursue. I would simply ensure that the enemy cruisers’ most direct route to the Enterprise would run close to the Kobayashi Maru (i.e. put the freighter between me and the enemy). I would then beam a photon torpedo - or ten - aboard the Kobayashi Maru, on a countdown to detonation. While the Enterprise makes good its escape, the torpedoes would detonate, blowing up the Kobayashi Maru. The freighter is detailed as a neutronic fuel carrier. The resulting explosion of ship and fuel cargo would likely destroy the Klingon cruisers passing close by or at very least incapacitate them / delay their pursuit.

6. I would then take the Enterprise out of the Neutral Zone and grab a bottle of Romulan Ale. I need this for two reasons. The first is that I’m celebrating: I confronted and destroyed three Klingon battle cruisers with my single vessel and I’m about to be promoted by Star Fleet command. The second reason is because I’m about to take up a drinking habit and become an alcoholic. It is the only way I can live with the death of the four hundred or so crew and passengers aboard the ill-fated Kobayashi Maru. I also need to drink to cope with the looks of reproach and disgust I’ll receive from my own crew aboard the Enterprise. That’s okay, though, because my promotion includes a transfer to one of the more powerful vessels I alluded to in my ruse earlier.

Verdict: The Kobayashi Maru is a no-win scenario for three reasons. It is unreasonable to expect a commander to save the crew of the Kobayashi Maru, defeat the Klingon battle cruisers and escape with their own vessel intact. I’ll go for two out of three then – which is a better result than the zero out of three achieved by cadets taking the test without cheating and the three out of three achieved by a cheating James T. Kirk That said, I’m ready to have my ass handed to me by an observant fan of the franchise!

What Would Rob Do? – Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’

Back to ‘What Would Rob Do?’ Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’ is a classic. It has been one of my favourite movies since childhood – so I’ve had a decent amount of time to think about what I might have done if I’d been caught up in the terrifying circumstances on ‘The Nostromo’. Beware: spoilers below.


‘The Nostromo’ is a commercial towing vehicle dragging an oil refinery through the stars on a return journey to Earth. The crew are awoken from their suspended animation by a beacon from a nearby planet in deep space and landing on the small, primordial world mount of investigation. The beacon belongs to a crashed, fossilised alien vessel and turns out to be a warning. One of the crew is dragged back to ‘the Nostromo’ with an alien parasite attached to his face. An attempt to cut it from his face fails and results in the spilling of acid blood. The blood melts through the decks and almost burns a hole in the space ship’s hull, endangering everyone on board. The parasite implants an embryo in the crew member that spectacularly erupts from his chest is a horrifying birth scene. The alien hides in the dark corridors and air vents of ‘the Nostromo’, growing to maturity before preying on the defenceless crew – snatching them one by one. When only Ripley – the ship’s Third Officer – and the ship’s cat ‘Jones’ remain, they abandon the ship and set it for self-destruct. Thinking the alien is dead, Ripley prepares the lifeboat for suspended animation until she discovers the creature alive and secreted aboard the lifeboat. Ripley is forced to fight for her life in the close proximity of the lifeboat and – with the use of a harpoon gun, a space suit and a bulkhead – blows the alien into space.



This one strikes me as pretty simple and really comes down to what you are willing to lose to get rid of the alien. Using crew members as bait is unethical and after the creature demonstrates its lethality and acid blood, direct confrontation with the alien is not advisable. The lifeboat can only take three (a design oversight, might I say), so abandoning ship is not an option. By the time the creature is killing crew members there is still a good deal to play for. The objective is to get rid of the creature without further loss of life, while at the same time limiting damage and infection of the expensive ship and cargo.


After Brett’s death, when the alien’s full capabilities are made known, if I had been a crew member I would have advised against the strategy of using incinerators and hunting for the creature alone through the air ducts. Beyond the obvious danger, this strategy seems to me to have very little chance of success even if Captain Dallas survives the hunt. Dallas knows this when he begins to crap himself and wants out of the dark duct system. I would have advised (and feel that this plan would have appealed to the crew) that one small section of the Nostromo - probably the one containing the environmental / life support controls – be sealed off. The pressure bulkheads should be locked off and the crew should occupy the small section with the air, artificial gravity and heat contained within. Air ducts to the section also need to be sealed off – welded shut if need be. All other doors, vents and bulkheads should be left wide open. Airlocks all over ‘the Nostromo’ should then be opened and the atmosphere violently expelled. Close the air lock. Re-pressurise. Pump an atmosphere back into the ship. Repeat. As many times as you like until you feel sure that the damned creature has been sucked through the ship (with other objects and debris) and out into space.


Of course, it might be argued that the creature could have held on through repeated expellations. It is certainly strong enough, but the idea is to surprise the monster and flush the thing out through the airlock – perhaps even on the tenth, twentieth or fiftieth attempt. This certainly has a better chance of getting rid of the alien menace than chasing it through the ship with a flamethrower. In various Alien films, the vacuum of space seems to be the creatures’ Achilles Heel. Its lethality is checked at least a little in atmosphereless, zero-gee conditions. I could not know that on ‘the Nostromo’, however, but I believe that expelling the atmosphere has a much better chance of getting rid of the creature without loss of life than other potential plans. Even if the creature’s robust hide is broken as it is smashed against architecture on the way out of the ship, alien acid blood is going to be sucked out with the creature. Even if it doesn’t, the airlocks are already open so the danger is much less.

Ultimately, that is what Rob would do. That said, I might have listened to Parker: after all, Parker told the rest of the crew to ignore the beacon. ‘The Nostromo’ would never have landed on the alien planet or taken the parasite / creature on board. When the parasite is aboard, Parker advocates freezing the affected crew member – which might have actually worked. It might have at least saved the crew of ‘the Nostromo’, but would probably have infected and doomed Earth!

What Would Rob Do? – John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’

'What Would Rob Do?' is a little game I like to play after watching films. It originated many years ago after watching Titanic (cons: hammy villain; traditionally labelled as a chick-flick; Celine Dion) (pros: James Cameron; Kate Winslet/Leonardo DiCaprio – both regarded as very capable actors; spectacle of the ship going down). After the film, I got to thinking about the amount of time the steerage/ Third Class passengers spent waiting. This amounted to hours and in the film the characters suspect that the ship is going down. They are also fully aware that the First Class passengers are being prioritised for the lifeboats. 'What Would Rob Do?' Leonardo DiCaprio seems pretty handy in the film (and would know his way around hammer). Why spend all that time smashing up below decks and trying to get both of the lovers onto a lifeboat (unlikely)? Why not just build a lifeboat? People survive the sinking of the Titanic by simply clutching to floating wreckage. How hard would it have been, for the more practically minded steerage passengers, to use materials from below decks to make basic life rafts – barge them through the railings and launch them by throwing them overboard? It seems strange that DiCaprio –who demonstrates his creativity in solutions to other problems in the film and understands the dangers of the water temperature – doesn’t hit on this. That’s what Rob would do! In the film, at least.



Last night I re-watched John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982). An excellent film, a science-fiction/horror classic and certainly one of the best films from that year. I really enjoyed watching it again. I found, however, that in the same way as Titanic, the ending bothered me. Not because it isn’t a fantastic ending. It is and Carpenter made exactly the right decision. I did, however, ask myself ‘What Would Rob Do?’ There are spoilers for the end of the film from this point on, so if you haven’t watched it then I recommend you do and should come back to this later.


At the end of the film, helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell) has seemingly succeeded in blowing up the US Antarctica Research Station upon which he is stationed, in an effort to destroy an extraterrestrial creature, extracted from a crashed space ship buried in the ice, that has infected the base and research personnel. The creature assimilates organisms (horrifically) on a cellular level and can then imitates them perfectly. It has assimilated organisms on thousands of different worlds and can therefore chimerically assume the appearance of anything – and often disgusting mixtures of alien creatures and human/animal assimilates. This means that MacReady has had to toast most of his colleagues with his flamethrower in order to eliminate the alien (hiding inside imitations of the base scientists and auxiliary staff) and torch the camp. In the last few moments, with the job done - the camp aflame and MacReady settling down to freeze to death - another base member, Childs (science-fiction veteran, Keith David), returns. He claims he saw another member of the base head out into the snow and he followed him. He then got lost in the blizzard but MacReady blowing up the base guided him back. There is a fantastic stand-off where both men, suspecting each other is infected with the alien, admit that if they have any nasty surprises for each other then there is very little they could do about it. While watching the base burn and sharing a bottle of whisky, Childs asks what they are going to do. We leave them with MacReady commenting, ‘Why don’t we wait here for a little while... see what happens...’


So, What Would Rob Do? I wouldn’t have blown up the base in its entirety – that’s for sure. The creature seems intent on survival and escape and that is exactly what I would do. In the closing stages of the film – MacReady and the scientists use their remaining snowdozer (all other forms of transport and communication were destroyed earlier in the film) to level parts of the camp. They then use extraordinary amounts of stored fuel to raze the base to the ice. I would have destroyed the base, but first I would have loaded the snowdozer with as much fuel as it could carry and a fat tarpaulin of supplies (food etc. – plenty of water in the Antarctic). After destroying the base I would have left in the snowdozer, dragging my supplies behind me. Where would I head? The nearest base - the Norwegian camp - has been similarly destroyed and the coast is too far for the snowdozer to reach. Requiring shelter from the Antarctic conditions and needing to get away from the alien (if it survived), I would head for the uncovered spaceship. If there are any further aliens inside they are going to be frozen. The buried spaceship – just a little distance from the Norwegian camp – would provide shelter until Spring and then with better conditions, I would head back to the remains of the US or Norwegian bases – both of which would receive rescue teams in the wake of camp communication loss. I’d experience some serious quarantine time but I’d make it. And that’s ‘What Rob Would Do!’